Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
