i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
