guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just cut my nipple shaving
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Randomize
