you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
