i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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