i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
