I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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