and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
