Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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