Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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