I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
