fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
