i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
