Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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