we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
