My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
