you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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