Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Houston, we have a blender
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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