Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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