I cannot find my penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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