I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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