Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
