i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
