mondays should just be called national damage control day
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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