Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize