forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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