I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
