I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
