My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
