I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
