you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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