I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
