I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
