In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
