I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
