She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
