were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He? As in you personified your dick?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
