At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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