I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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