I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
