Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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