YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Randomize
