why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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