my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
