I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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