one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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