The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
