apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
