Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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