Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
