I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
there is glitter all over my balls
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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