If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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