Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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