I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
